A weekend spent watching two young loves fight over common ground left me weary and wondering. I know, as younger marrieds, the husband and I battled over every thing big and small. And I thought I wasn’t a fighter. I’d told him so before we were even engaged. But that was then. Now, I’m watching you kids, and I’m questioning the groundwork we laid as parents. I pray you saw the good ground too. There was lots of good ground, yet I know, because these lists have more than covered my own nearsightedness, that sometimes the hard times make up the majority of the memories that stand out. But haven’t we learned about hard times? They make us stronger. Or maybe, you need more time to mature enough to know the truth about hard times. At your age, hard times can make you think you’re weak. That’s a lie.
Don’t let the enemy of your soul rob you of the ground you’ve fought and bled over. Your walk through marriage is one victory after another–daily–down the road to becoming two people who live and breathe as one. That walk down the aisle was only the beginning.
So that’s the first of this list and bears repeating.
- Don’t let the enemy of your soul rob you of the ground you’ve fought and bled for.
- And the next one as well. Your walk through marriage is one victory after another–daily–down the road to becoming two people who live and breathe as one.
- And the most important lesson I learned somewhere around five years into my own vows. Love covers. That verse says exactly that. Love covers a multitude of sins. Love covers.
- I wish I could carve this one into the mini-mountain we climbed that holiday weekend so all the young marrieds could read it and remember. Winning an argument with your spouse is not a victory you celebrate.
- You don’t want harsh words to be the legacy you leave to your loved ones.
- Remember, your spouse is an adult. Treat one another with mutual respect and affection.
- Don’t keep a list of wrongs. The verse so important to a solid marriage. Those lists grow like weeds and produce a harvest of hurt and regret.
- Silence is not a weapon or a shield. Silence is something you gift to one another when truly listening, really hearing, relaxing, and/or simply appreciating. Silence should be a gift you give.
- Give one another second chances. And thirds. And fourths. You’ll see things differently with a little more time.
- Being right doesn’t make you superior. Being right makes you a teacher. Be a godly teacher.
- Respect one another’s differences. Recognize one another’s feelings. Don’t try to mold your spouse into someone they’re not. Don’t set one another up for failure. Instead pray and pray hard. The love of your life needs your prayers. They need you to intercede for them. They need to know you go to God on their behalf. There’s no greater love than to lay down your life for a friend. Now there’s a verse to live your marriage by. Love like that.
This has been the hard-fought for list, the list written through tears, and all because a holiday weekend of watching young couple dynamics left me in a quandary. This list may seem cliche to some, but in truth, these are the hard truths. These are the reckonings of my heart for the hearts of the ones I love. This is the list I prayed over, lost sleep over, and finally received the words for all within a day and a night. Yet still, this is not the last list. More to come.
With all my love for those I love,
I smiled at this sweet video, but questions filled my mind as I watched. I remember days that went something like this. But why are the days of shredded nerves and lost tempers the days I remember most? Maybe I lost that temper more often than I sculpted grace. Maybe epic fail really did describe my attempts at child-rearing. I hope not. Hind sight isn’t as clear as everyone tells you. So, I make lists for the grown kids in hopes of letting them know all the things I want them to know and lists of the things I still want to reinforce like,
- I made a lot of mistakes, and you will too. Don’t judge yourself by your failures. Learn from them.
- Perfect has no value. Don’t miss the small, broken, stumbling path along the way to small successes.
- Learning to see you and respect you as an adult would be easier if you were someone else’s kid.
- Admiring your adulting skills is similar to the way I felt your first day of school.
- I’m not scared of being dependent on you one day. I’m scared I’ll be a burden rather than a treasure. Being honest with you about aging isn’t easy.
- If the ones you love feel neglected by you, make changes. You will never regret spending more time with the ones you love most.
- A lot of people are going to challenge you. If you’re right, if you’re decision is for the best, if you’re conscience is clear, if you’ve carefully prayed over a big decision… Stand your ground.
- I wish when you were small, I’d known to say this to you: Be you. Do you. You really don’t want to walk in their shoes.
- I may struggle to always remember you’re grown now, but I love that we get to be friends now.
- Now that you’re grown, sometimes I’m not sure what I’m allowed to ask you about.
- I wish you still told me every detail of your day.
- I know it must not always seem so, but as your mom and dad, we don’t mean to disrespect you, sell you short, or interfere when we offer advice or an opinion.
- It’s difficult to shake the parenting tone of voice.
- I always worried about being acceptable. Don’t waste your time on worry. Instead, work hard to be exceptional and accepted as true to yourself.
- Believe in yourself. Don’t be afraid of learning the hard way.
- I believe the toughest thing for me to accept would not be your failure to succeed. It would be a tough thing to accept that you failed to succeed because I didn’t teach you to be independent and a responsible member of society.
- I believe the very hardest thing for me to know would be that in all I taught you, I failed to teach you the value of knowing, loving, and following after Christ with your everything.
- Chase your dreams, but chase after God harder. You’ll never need less of God.
- Every time I see you, I want to ask if you’re about finished with that time you said you need.
- Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me the truth.
I keep thinking this listing business will get easier. Not so far. More to come. Always more.
I keep thinking about that last post with its list and those sons. One list has bumped its way into a next, falling into line, one thought after another. See, we started adding daughters in law to our family mix a little over two years ago, and our family dynamic quickly changed. Now we’re up to two marriages and one very serious relationship. There are some things these girls really need to know, like, how I fear failing them. I fear not measuring up against their own amazing moms. I fear giving them bad advice. I fear they’ll see all my mistakes and faults, and not through any character shortcoming of their own, simply not be able to see past mine.
And so, another list of things I’d like these kids to know I said.
- I think you’re beautiful.
- I don’t how how my son got so lucky.
- God blessed our family with you.
- I admire the woman you are and wish I’d known the girl.
- I think you’re scary brilliant.
- I couldn’t have made a better choice for someone to love my son.
- Your talent continually amazes me.
- I’m grateful, thankful, and thrilled for the way you love Jesus.
- You’re going to be an outstanding mom.
- I owe a debt of gratitude to your parents for the way they raised you.
- I hope and I pray that we become better friends every year.
- Sometimes, I wish you lived next door.
- You’re the daughter I always wanted.
- The way you look into his eyes, melts this momma’s heart.
- You should open that business you dream of.
- You’re the woman I wish I could have been at your age.
- I prayed for you all your life and still do. Every. Single. Day.
- Being a soulmate is the second hardest job in the world. You are doing fantastic.
- I’ve prayed every single day of his life that he’d be the man of God, husband, and father of your future children that you need him to be.
- Thank you for being the daughter, sister, and example that you are to your family and ours.
The thing I’m learning about listing is that none of the numbers apply to just one person. The numbers all have their niche in each life. So, there are more lists to come, but this is the end of this one for now.
More listing next time…
In a Facebook post I read this morning, a mom listed the things she wanted her daughters to know, and this got me thinking. There are things I want my kids to know too. There are things I want them to know that I said, but the thing is, I didn’t say them all. At least not until now. So this is that post. It may be one of many. There are a lot of things I’d like to say even though the sons are all grown, and married, or in one case, practically married. And believe me, it’s not that I haven’t said a lot of stuff, because I have, and I’ve said some things I regret saying. But there are things I want to say for possibly the first time, or a little better, or louder, or more often, like, I love you. I’m proud of you. You stole a piece of my heart the day you were born. You are the best memory I will ever have.
There’s so much more that there’s got to be a list, but first some confessions to my sons. Not that there won’t be more, but here are a few to start this off.
- You know that time you spilled your milk across the table and it ran down into the rope weave of the chair seat, down the table legs, and onto the floor, and took so long to clean up, and I got mad at you and yelled? I’m so sorry.
- I’m still working on that patience thing.
- The way your smile reaches your eyes makes my heart ache.
- I still love the way you curl your hair around your finger when you’re tired.
- The way you love your wife fills me with incomprehensible joy.
- Do you remember all those times I dropped you off at daycare? I hated every single one of those days. I wanted to be one of those moms who’s good at staying home. I wasn’t so much.
- I wish we had gone camping instead of making you play baseball.
- We should have put you in theater for kids. You are so talented.
- You are truly funny, and I wish you smiled more.
- I wish I’d said those bedtime prayers with you every single night.
- I wish I’d spent more time reading with you and less time watching television.
- I wish I’d spent less time worrying about what others thought of my momming skills and spent more time impressing you.
- Remember when you wanted to plant your own plants in the garden? I should have let you.
- I’m sorry we didn’t keep that dog you loved.
- You were a great kid, but you’re an even better man. I’m still so proud to be your mom.
- Momming is still hard. I wish there were do-overs.
- The way you challenge yourself scares me to death and makes me silly proud of you all at the same time.
- Your tenacity, courage, and strength are character traits I love most about you.
- The way you look at me with grown man wisdom takes my breath away.
- I love that you love God more than I taught you to. That’s huge to me now.
I’m sorry these thoughts aren’t in any kind of order. They’re kind of like the way I raised three grown boys. Seat of my pants, random luck of the draw, taking lots of chances, and praying they’d forgive me for the mess. So, that’s all for now, because this listing business is turning out to be hard stuff.
With every bit of my heart,
More listing next time…